We broke the ottoman

I am sad to report we broke the ottoman yesterday.

I'd like to place the blame wholly on Jane. It is true that if it hadn't been for her, the ottoman never would have broken. The same is true for the futon bed which broke last spring. She, however, would like to place the blame solely on me.

Last spring, Jane and I were rollicking on the futon bed in the family room. I think we were going at it with great gusto when suddenly the whole bed lurched. Seems we'd sheared off a weld and a screw & the frame for the mattress settled several inches closer to the floor.

The ottoman was the same story, more or less. Jane was on the glide rocker and I was on the ottoman, scrunched up as close as possible to the chair. We were attempting to insert Tab A into Slot 1 when there was a sudden crack and I felt my ass fall several inches toward the floor and the glide ottoman come to a complete & grinding halt. Seems we'd broken the fiberboard under the cushion.

I want to say it was because Jane's legs were over mine as I was trying to slide into her wet slash.

I think she'll suggest it was 'cause of my fat ass.

So now I need to figure out how to fix the fucking ottoman so it's ready for use when the baby gets here. Oh, right, it's not a fucking ottoman; that's why it broke; we were using it for purposes other than its design. It's an ottoman & it is for feet, not bare asses.