Where, exactly, did that connectedness go?

I arrived home late this evening, just in time to take Drew to a doctor's appointment. Dinner found us all at the table, supping on an excellent roast chicken Jane had prepared. I think she wanted to spoil us because she's laying down the law: she's spent huge amounts of time getting the house in order and she doesn't want it screwed with. I do have to admit: the house has never looked better. Anyway, she laid down the law: chores, chores, chores.

But, it was okay; the boys might have felt lectured to; I figured either I deserve it or we'll all fall back on our usual habits soon enough.

And then, nigh on midnight, it appears we have fallen back on our usual habits. All was well until I fired up the computer to check my mail. Jane asked if I'd blogged while I was gone. Yup.

And then she wanted to know if it was on the vanilla blog or ncblog. NCblog, I said.

"What'd you right about?" she asked.

"Girls," I replied flippantly. Likely, this was a bad answer on my part.

"You go to a strip club?" she asked with accusation in her voice.

It was all down hill from there. First, she wanted to read the blog, and then she didn't. Said I'd taken too long getting off the computer. She was in bed, harrumphed. I could see the dark cloud from across the room. So I decided to read to her. I started in with Too quiet: Sorry folks, and when I got to the strip club part she told me to shut up. "I never read about the strip clubs," she said.

So I'm thinking she doesn't read all that much? And, I'm also thinking she's missing some of my best prose and great insight into my psyche. If she wants to know what I'm really thinking, what is really important, there are clues in those experiences and those words. And it's not clues about sex or boobs; it's clues about what's important. Sex is merely a medium; it's the being that's important.

And, sadly, she's missing that.

And now, she's in bed, her back turned me; she's pissed. Pissed for reasons that I can imagine, but she will not really tell me.

And I so wanted to connect. I was, truly, looking forward to being home for three days & spending time with her.

What I get is the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, the dark clouds.

Not anything near what I want.