A letter in reply...

I decided to write to Julie, asap, no time to waste. If indeed she is the one, who am I to screw it up? I've screwed up enough in my life, lost enough, not followed through enough... I've known Julie for more than a decade -- from another life. We've hung out whenever I make it to Richmond. I've wanted to jump her bones, but, for a variety of reasons, it's never happened. Let's just say there's a story there, and the NESF might get some of it in the weeks and months to come, assuming the tarot reader is on to something.

Which reminds me, should I get back in touch with the Windy City tarot reader and see if she'll read my cards from a thousand plus miles away?

Dearest Julie,

Greetings… Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and all that other “stuff.”

First, I apologize for the typing; I’m working today and thought typing vice writing by hand might be easier. And, since I’m multi-tasking with my focus spread over a dozen things (TV blaring, phone ringing, production down, minor personnel issues, people not showing up, etc) this missive will be a little disjointed, I’m sure. And, I apologize for sending this to you via email vice snail mail. Email doesn’t have the same level of intimacy that a handwritten, snail mail note has. Email does have speed, however, and I’m anxious to reply. So, this is what you get…

I was so glad to get your Christmas note. It brought a smile to my otherwise grumpy face. I was a little confused reading your note, however. You noted that 2003 “has been challenging personally, it has been rich and rewarding personally.” I’m guessing one of those is actually professionally… so, dear, which is it? Personally challenging or professionally challenging? Professionally rich & rewarding or personally rich & rewarding? You’ve got me wondering. Which is it?

Specific questions: Have you moved? (Your return address is different from what I have in my Palm.) What’s up with Donald? Is he still around? (You are usually all bubbly about him; there’s not a word of him in your card.) Are you still with BALO? (I see you’re still listed on the BGA website, but who knows if it’s current.)

As to my 2003… well, Julie, you’ll never believe how my year has been. I’m hoping for something a little more, er, sedate in 2004. This past year has been one of the most interesting years of my life: pushing the envelope and trying new things and turning all topsy turvy.

I think I last saw you sometime in May… well, er, things have change a little bit since then. I’m going to be a father again. Yeh, that’s right. A little bit of unplanned reality hitting home.

You may be wondering how? Well, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the specifics of how (you do know how it happens, don’t you?). Here’s the short version: last December I started casually seeing someone; her name is Jane. We stopped seeing each other and then got back together; a routine. We both knew it wasn’t to be anything permanent. I went away in August with the boys on vacation and had decided I was going to end it, outright, when I got back.

We’d conceived two days before I left on vacation.

Long story, but the A’s weren’t viable options (abortion and adoption). I don’t want to marry her, either. I’m not sure how things will ultimately pan out other than I’m going to be a father again and am going to be jointly parenting with another woman.

Guess my practice with Kathleen in the joint parenting realm will help. Jane and Kathleen aren't really similar, although they do have some things in common... like their birthday; Jane is exactly, to the day, a decade younger than Kath. I'll let you figure it out... ;-)

Needless to say, this isn’t exactly how I thought things would go. Not that I had discounted the notion of having more children; I’d just thought it would be with a woman I loved, someone I wanted to spend my entire life with. I know, a romantic notion, but I am a romantic at heart. I guess things will be a little different… perhaps I’ll still meet the woman of my dreams; I’ll just have a little more baggage.

Course, maybe I've already met the woman of my dreams…

Earlier this month, I was in Chicago… two weeks… Ever been to Chicago? Nice town, if you’re into cold winds and gray skies. I stayed at the Parkton Inn; good digs. The hotel is located between an Indian restaurant and a hat shop (Hal the Hatter). The other local establishment was a tarot reader.

I have to admit, I had my cards read. I'll not go into the details – who wants to be bored with someone else’s reading – but suffice it to say she said I would meet the woman of my dreams (actually, she said I’d already met her). Some day I’ll have to tell you the whole story. I do hope to get the chance.

So, in the mean time, here I sit.

Professionally, things click along smoothly; no changes. This fall I finished the specialized graduate certificate in management; in the spring I finish the master’s degree. The job runs along. That doesn’t mean I’m challenged, however. That’s the one thing about the job: I’m not challenged. I go into work and realize I could do the job sleeping; there’s nothing to it. So, I go in and work and travel, and it’s pretty much all rote. I’m not stretched. I’m not challenged. I’m not really growing.

I guess in some respects that’s okay, with the baby on the way and all that. I mean, who needs to be challenged at work when the home life is in total disarray, huh?

Not that life at home is in total shambles, mind you. Sure, the house is a wreck (I need someone to keep me straightened up), but the boys are growing & learning & healthy & doing well. Drew is in the 6th grade this year; he’s at the magnet program at the local middle school. He’s doing well. He has all the usual middle school stuff going on, but overall, I’m pleased. Ralph is in the 4th grade; he, too, is doing well. They’re both bright and fairly well adjusted. But then, what would you expect, right?

Tell me about the picture on your card? Have you thought of going into business selling cards? I liked it...

I received an email from Sarah yesterday. First time I’d heard from her since I wrote back in the spring/summer. Twins! Amazing. What do you thing? Will this be the beginning of many children? Or do you think she’ll call it quits after two? I must admit I’m always amazed at life and what happens (yeh, I know, my own life out to be testament to that). I wish her much health & happiness & fulfillment. She’s more likely to get those than rest & sleep in the next year or two… ;-)

And, I’m not sure how much sleep I’m going to get in the next year or two, either. I don’t know how obvious it is in this short letter, but I’m still not really accepting of my situation; likely not to be really in touch until the rug rat shows up in May. Did I mention it’s a boy? At least that’s what the doc said from the ultrasound. I don’t know; it’s all voodoo magic to me. But, we’re gearing up for a boy. I’m also trying to get a picture of what life is going to look in the next couple of years. For Jane… well, this is one of our differences: she doesn’t really look ahead. Planning, determining the future, is not something she does naturally.

Me, on the other hand… well, perhaps I spend too much time in the future instead of the present. The notion of mindfulness is not my strength. I’m still working on it; sometimes I find it real difficult. I want to jump forward or pay attention to the past. Focusing on the present, however, is less stressful and provides greater true happiness. Or so I've found when I can focus on the present and not the past or the future.

Speaking of the future, however, I’d love to see you in 2004, the sooner the better. Alas, I don’t know when I’ll be getting up to Richmond; I’ll have to create some situation which draws me up so we can meet up and spend some time together. I will try for late January or early February. What’s your calendar look like? Will you be able to spare some time for an old man? Can you help me be mindful and focus on the present?

Say "hi" to Jay and whomever else you chat with. And, of course, if you start to gossip, feel free to pass on my news. Although, I'm sure no one will give a hoot. ;-)

Enough rambling. I hope to hear from you soon… Best wishes for a great 2004…

Always,

~~ Simon