I wonder...

If Anne would get in her wheel chair and allow me to be the breathalyzer...

(See posting below for this comment to make any sense.)

Making the rounds on the internet...

> > > Subject: FW: speeding

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Charlie stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in firm voice. Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, Good Grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again."

Last night...

So, last night Anne and Sam called Jane... then we all IM'd...

Anne and Sam are high school sweet hearts and have never been with anyone else... 'til now...

I feel decadent...

I feel like I want more...

And then Jane and I talked for a couple of hours about the baby... I think I've reached the point where I'm accepting where things are and the decisions I've made... Now she's not... No plans for the future & doesn't want to be locked in to anything...

Eagads, this is going to be a trying life...

Can I get a "do over"?

And she's still on bed rest; although, she claims the doc said she can go to a party tonight... Part of me says "go ahead." At this point, my primary concern is her health and well being.

The Kind of Kiss I Am...

Contrary to what Jane says, I do like to kiss... truth be told, I'm just not hot on kissing her... ouch, bad news...


You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
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Sometimes, life just doesn't...

... go the way we plan.

I know, I've been rumbling about that since the start of this blog. If you're a regular reader, you've picked up on that already...

Tuesday night, Jane came over... a little hanky-panky, if you know what I mean. I found her collar (the one that is black with silver things riveted to it and a heart shaped dog-tag that says "Jane, Peter's Little Fuck." Nice, huh. Anyway, she likes it and I'm a little kinky, so... she puts it on and we swap spit for a bit standing in my bedroom and I slap her ass a bit and then get her nekkid and put her up against a table in front of the window and drop my pants and we do it right there in front of the window, a show for the neighbors across the street, Anne's breasts hanging down and me pounding her from behind. And then I pull out and tell her I want her to lick me clean, and we look down and I'm covered in blood. And she's dripping heavy blood down her leg.

A little over an hour later we're sitting in the waiting room of the local emergency room. Five hours after that we're headed back to my house following the usual ER antics and a pelvic exam for her.

Today her doc tells her she's on bedrest for five days and no pelvic excercise (as in sex) for nearly two months. Gads, that puts a damper on sex, doesn't it?

Tonight, after finishing up my grad class over at Duke, I spin over to Jane's. First off, I want to kill her fucking dog, which is nothing more than a pain in the ass. I've brought Jane dinner and sodas; I figure the bed rest shit is going to drive her nutty; that and I know she doesn't eat right. So I bring over some Thai food and we hang out watching the Wednesday night shows on NBC.

Along the way, Jane tells me about what the doc says, and she shows me a pic from the ultrasound from today. And, yup, there's a damn child there. There being a part of me that wants it to go away. Jane shares with me info the doc provided; the brochure says that 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriages. I think to myself I should be so lucky. I know. I know. That's an evil thing to think. But, I am truly ambivalent. I'm going to be supportive, and when the little monster arrives, I'll love it dearly. But I'm still at the point that this is not something I really want. Sure, I made the choice and created the situation I'm in. But I don't have to like it.

In the mean time, while she's out, I'll be as supportative as I can. (And I note that the last two pregnancies I went through... both also not planned... but I was married to the mother, so that's something different... were much easier. No problems, at all.) And then I think, for an instance, maybe I should take her in. That thought didn't last too long, though. Yes, I helped get us here. But, Jane is the one who wants to have the baby and mother the baby. I didn't make that choice. And she'll have to carry some of the weight that brings that about. I'm not planning on housing her or marrying her.

That's what Bill, my colleague I told, suggested. After all, one home is cheaper than two. But I don't want to do that.

Things I do want to do, however, include having sex with Anne again. Not likely, since she and Sam haven't gotten in touch with either me or Jane. We gave them our contact info, but didn't get their's.

Ok, enough...

Who is this crazy girl?

Yes


Are you compatable with me?
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Why is it?

Why is it that intimacy promotes feelings of love?

Why is it that intimacy takes the hard edges off a person?

Why is it that in intimacy, it seems all is right with the world?

Why is it that when it's all over, there's no love, the hard edges are still there, and the world is still screwed up?

Damn the little buggers...

Are expensive...

Food for thought...

The mother of the yet-unborn but already conceived child, blogged tonight: I meet someone this weekend who was pretty fascinated by my relationship with the donor. Apparently, it's not the norm to break up with your soon-to-be baby's father and still have a sexual relationship. I think I'm a little shocked. Here I was thinking that we seem to be getting along now that the "relationship/non-relationship" is over.

I wonder if this thought came in the middle of being pounded by Sam...

We went... we came... Adult content ahead

Well, my introductions to, er, swinging, has begun.

We -- Jane and I -- to a party at a hotel over in Raleigh; party was sponsored by a group called North Carolina Life. NCL is a group of folks who swing -- in short, they trade partners. Jane used to go (before she me me); she convinced me to go (okay, she wore me down).

What an interesting evening... And I met some interesting people... Gwen who sucked me off while I was sitting in a room watching a couple go at it on a swing... many folks doing it on mattresses on the floor, as if the voyers hovering didn't exist... Sam and Anne who joined Jane and me in a dark room...

Okay, that was likely the high point of the evening. When Gwen had finished with me, Anne, sitting next to me on the couch in the low-lit room, asked if she "could touch it." Who am I to say no. She also got down on her knees in front of her husband Sam and started to slurp away. So later, wanting to spend some time in a dark room at the end of the hall, I headed off with Jane in tow; saw Anne and Sam and asked 'em if they wanted to join us. Get to the room & Jane and I start to go at it. They arrive a bit later; we end up trading partners on the king-sized bed.

It went for a long time, although not forever. I'm not as young as I used to be. Different. Never been with a woman before in any sort of group session. And, of course, always the beauty of newness. Anne was sweet & soft; there was something delicate about her.

Yeah, I know. You're thinking Jane is the one who was in the delicate way. Point taken. But Anne was new and fresh. A joy to kiss.

Later, on thinking about it, I realized that I have this problem. And that is that I could have fallen in. I can't, really, do sex for sex sake. When we talked -- and there was talk before and after -- I could see the goodness in Anne... and Sam, too, but I wasn't thinking of him in a physical way. But she, and they, are people with goodness and faults and joy and beauty and trouble within them. I found myself falling into old patterns of wanting to fall into that, to pull it together, to hold it in my arms.

On the drive home, Jane said something about how she was glad I didn't cuddle with Anne. Guess the room was dark first time, she missed my touches with Anne while Jane was getting a massage, and later -- back in their room -- she was too enraptured with Sam (my word, he could go forever) to see my snuggle with Anne. Jane also said that Sam was a better kisser than Anne (Anne has some unfulfilled fantasies she wanted to try... and she started in the dark room); I'm thinking I didn't kiss Sam, but thought that Anne was a better kisser than Jane. ((Oh, that'll go over well if she ever hear's that.))

Perhaps it's the whole newness thing... perhaps it was the minty gum... perhaps it was the lightness of her skin, the blue-gray sparkle of her eyes, the innocence (lost), the grip of her hands.

There's a part of me that wants to see them again. There's another part of me that doesn't. It was fun. But I could see myself wanting more, to be possessive, to grow feelings... in a way that nothing could come of it.

Halloween Party

Tomorrow we're going to a Halloween party: me, Jane, the unborn child... She's going as a witch; I'm going a monk... there'll be plenty of grab-assing & sex... Oh, joy, just what I need... ;-)

Told another...

Yesterday told a long-time colleague... I'm traveling on business to a different office and we had dinner last night... told him about my situation... no counsel, other than an acknowledgement I'll likely "do the right thing."

Great. Just what I wanted to hear: something I knew already.

I'm still not with it yet...

Today, at church, sitting with my two sons -- who are mobile and can make decisions and can dress themselves -- I thought about the wonder of life, the mystery of life, & the wonder and mystery of love...

And in my mind, I really haven't accepted this upcoming role of mine.

Do other accidental fathers feel the same way?

Boys are better than girls...

Okay, maybe not, but... Interesting reading, nonetheless.

I guess this is becoming real...

So, today, I get an email from Jane. She's changing beneficiaries on her life insurance provided through work to meet one of the items in the draft agreement (that particular item has been changed from the draft posted earlier; on advice from counsel, I changed the beneficiary from the child to the other parent).

Guess this is really going to happen... Frankly, I'm still ambivalent; can you tell? ;-)

Things just get more real.

The attorney reviewed the agreement and had a few suggestions, along with the caveat that we can agree to anything, but a judge can always decide what we agreed to wasn't in the best interest of the child.

So, I gave a copy to Jane for her to review so we can come to consensus. For the most part, we'd talked about most of the issues. She was okay... except it made the situation real. Until now, I think she's been in the fantasy world that maybe it wasn't real or there weren't issues or whatever.

I think all of this kind'a woke her up.

Been keeping me up at night, so yeh, I would think so.

She'd had a little bleeding earlier this week; went to the doctor's and heard the heartbeat; that got her thinking "real" also.

Me, I'm still hoping it's all a dream... but at least I'm prepping for reality.

So my attorney says...

"Where'd you get that Order? You find it on the web?"

I say, "No. I made it up myself."

"It'll never fly here in North Carolina," he replies.

"Why the %^&$# not?" I think.

"Of course, if you both agree to it, there shouldn't be any problems."

And for this I'm paying him money?

Still haven't told anyone...

Not that it's a secret, just I think (wrongly, I know) that if I don't talk about it, maybe it will never happen. Not that it would come up naturally in conversation, anyway. I can picture it, standing next to the water cooler, computers humming in the background:

Co-worker: So, see those Sox play? What do you think about that? All these years, huh?
Me: Speaking of socks... got any baby ones? I knocked up this woman and now I'm going to be a dad, again, and I'm looking for those little baby socks. They're so cute.

Nope, just don't see it...

On a day like today...

A glorious fall day... youngsters happy and full of bliss... go ahead, bring on another one...

More of the same...

So, waiting for the attorney to review the below agreement...

Tonight my first children were here for dinner & I realized deep down inside, I really don't want to start over. Is that so bad? And yet, to know, that I must. In order to be true to myself, that which I have valued my whole life, I must start over, begin anew, shepherd a new young life, be a parent again.

I still can't see me back with a stroller or a baby pouch and waking in the middle of the night and all that other stuff that comes from parenting. I'd so wanted to be on the downhill side of all of that.

Can an agreement be made before the baby's born?

Going to try this on for size... thoughts?

Prenatal Letter of Agreement

THIS AGREEMENT is made by and between P. Simon Winky and Jane Anne Cremer.

1. This pre-natal agreement between Jane Anne Cremer and P. Simon Winky is in preparation for the birth of a child due to be born in April 2004. This binding agreement sets forth both parenting and custody arrangements. The elements of this plan have been developed with the best interests of the child in mind.

2. Jane Anne Cremer, the mother, resides at 395 Center Avenue in the City of Durham in the State of North Carolina and is employed as a customer service representative by Simeon, Inc. P. Simon Winky, the presumptive father, resides at 1925 Bowler Parkway in the City of Raleigh in the State of North Carolina and is employed as a manager with Plaid Enterprises, Inc.

3. Jane Anne Cremer and P. Simon Winky are not married; Jane Anne Cremer is pregnant, and P. Simon Winky is the presumptive father.

4. This agreement is nullified if genetic testing determines P. Simon Winky is not the biological father. If this agreement is nullified based on the results of genetic testing, P. Simon Winky has no rights or responsibilities with regard to the child.

5. Herein after in this agreement, Jane Anne Cremer will be referred to as “mother,” and P. Simon Winky will be referred to as “father.”

6. The mother and father agree the child will be named James Simon Cremer Winky, if a boy; if the child is a girl, she will be named Debra Kathleen Cremer Winky.

7. The mother and father agree to joint legal and joint physical custody of the child. The mother and father agree to share decision making responsibilities for the child. The parents will jointly make parenting decisions, coordinating education, discipline, and all other child rearing activities. Both the mother and the father agree to cooperate; to use best efforts, good faith, and due diligence; to subjugate their own technical rights, selfish interests, and possible negative feelings toward each other, all in the best interest and welfare of the child.

8. Neither parent shall be required to provide the other parent any financial support or funds, including child support, except as outlined specifically in this agreement.

9. The parents agree that physical proximity is important in jointly raising a child. The parents agree to live, if possible, in the same school district zone when the child reaches school age. Both parents acknowledge the father owns a home in the City of Raleigh and the mother is renting a home in the City of Durham.

10. The child will spend 26 weeks a year with the mother and 26 weeks a year with the father. The child will be with each parent, alternating weeks, Sunday night to Sunday night, the weeks starting at 6pm local time. This rotation will start within 2 weeks after the child is no longer solely breast feeding. The father will generally have “even” weeks and the mother will have “odd” weeks. The week starting 9 May 2004 is an “even” week.

11. The mother shall pay for child-care during the weeks the child is scheduled to be with the mother (usually “odd” weeks), and the father shall pay for child-care during the weeks the child is with the father (usually “even” weeks).

12. No matter whether they are “even” or “odd” weeks, the child will be with the mother during the week in which Halloween falls, and the child will be with the father during the week in which Thanksgiving falls.

13. If either parent is required to travel for business or personal emergency, both parents will work together to provide care plan for the child. Both parents will continue to pay for childcare during their normal weeks.

14. Both parents agree that higher education is important for career development, personal growth, and family relationships. The mother agrees to return to school by September 2004 to pursue an undergraduate degree. The father will enable this through additional childcare and support as needed and as he is able. In addition, both parents agree the child should be able to attend college if the child wants; as such, the parents agree to pay such sums as the College Scholarship Service, or other organization recognized by the college or university, determines are applicable from the information provided in the Financial Aid Forms.

15. Both parents agree to purchase at least $25,000 worth of term life insurance with the child named as the beneficiary. This insurance shall be maintained at least until the child turns 18 years old.

16. If the father is recalled to active duty military service and is unable to care for the child personally, the mother will care for the child in the father’s absence. During this period, the father will continue to pay for child-care during the even weeks and will, in addition, pay the mother 1/4 of his BAH allowance received during all periods of active duty. During periods of active military service, the type of legal and physical custody will not change.

17. The father may, in the future, choose to return to teaching as a profession. In this case, he may move from Raleigh/Durham. If the father returns to academia, and the mother chooses not to relocate to the same city, the custody arrangement will change. The parents will share joint legal custody, and the mother will have sole physical custody. The father, as the non-custodial parent, will have generous visitation rights to include all of summer vacation and the Thanksgiving holidays. If the mother chooses to relocate to the same city, the custody arrangement will not change and will remain the same as if both parents were residing in Raleigh/Durham.

18. If the mother, or the father for any reason not specifically cited above, moves from Raleigh/Durham, the custody arrangement will change. The parents will share joint legal custody. The parent who resides in Raleigh/Durham will have sole physical custody. The non-custodial parent will have visitation rights which include half the child’s summer vacation from school; if the child is not yet of school age, the summer visitation with the non-custodial parent will be four weeks. Additional visitation would include Thanksgiving holidays if the non-custodial parent is the father, or one week during the Christmas/New Year holidays if the non-custodial parent is the mother. If the custodial parent subsequently moves from Raleigh/Durham, the custody arrangement will change. Physical custody will be shared, divided by academic year, the father having physical custody in academic years ending in odd years and the mother having physical custody in academic years ending in even years. The years shall run from 1 August to 31 July. If both parents choose to relocate to the same city, the custody arrangement will remain the same as if both parents were residing in Raleigh/Durham.

19. The parent with whom the child is physically located will provide transportation to the other parent when the child shifts physical location.

20. For tax purposes, the father will claim the child as a dependent for “even” tax years, and the mother will claim the child as a dependent in “odd” tax years. If the legal custody changes from joint physical custody, as cited above, the custodial parent will claim the child as a dependent for tax purposes.

21. The child will be raised a Christian in the Lutheran and/or Methodist traditions. The father and mother will strive to regularly attend church services with the child.

22. The father will maintain health insurance for the child until the child reaches the age of majority or 23 if a full-time student. This health insurance might not include dental insurance. Both parents will equally share health costs not covered by health insurance.

23. The parents both agree neither is eligible for the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (commonly known as WIC) due to their individual income levels; both parents agree not to seek WIC or other governmental assistance.

24. If the father chooses, and can afford to pay tuition and other costs, the child may attend independent school, including boarding school.

25. The parents agree that should either parent die before the child reaches the age of majority, the other parent shall have sole legal and sole physical custody of the child. The surviving parent shall ensure the minor child stays in contact with and visits the family members of the deceased parent. The surviving parent will make all decisions relevant to any familial visits.

26. Both parents shall have a parent’s right of access to the child’s scholastic, medical, and dental records.

27. If there is any appearance before the Courts with regard to custody, support, or other child rearing issues, both parties agree that this agreement will be entered to the Court and that they will ask the court to ratify, approve, confirm, and incorporate this valid agreement between the parents into any Order issued by the court.

28. Both parents enter into this agreement freely and without reservation and without duress.

29. If a court or competent authority subsequently overturns any clause of this agreement, or if the parents subsequently agree to any modification of any clause of this agreement, all other parts of this agreement shall remain in force. A change in one clause does not nullify any other aspects of this agreement.

30. The parents agree that any oral statements or prior written materials concerning any aspect of raising the child shall not have any force or effect. This agreement represents the entirety of the parents’ agreement concerning child custody and support.

31. The parents concur it is the intention and agreement of each that no change of any clause of this agreement shall be effected in any manner.

In witness of this agreement, each parent has signed this agreement, acknowledging this binding agreement as setting forth their plan for raising their child.


__________________________ (SEAL) ____________ (Date)
Peter Simon Winky, Father

__________________________ (SEAL) ____________ (Date)
Jane Anne Cremer, Mother

Did I happen to mention?

Did I mention that I have two kids already? One in elementary school & the other in middle school. Before this latest crisis, and it is a crisis (what is the symbol for crisis in Chinese? danger & opportunity?), I was thinking I'm on the downhill slide. Another 2-3 years and my oldest son will be in high school; I could go back to teaching, the life I want so desperately. Relax. Not worry about money, find the life I love, teach in the classroom... a sense of freedom.

Now this. Starting all over again.

I have a friend who has four kids, ranging in age now from 18 to 3 (or is he four now?) Anyway, I gave Matt so much shit when his wife got pregnant.

I can hear it coming back at me now...

How does one craft an agreement?

So, here's the question of the hour. The mother-to-be wants to have and raise the baby. In good conscious, I can't not be a part of the child's life. Too often, I've seen young mothers with baby's the and dad is no where to be seen. I know some children who haven't had contact with their father in months or years. Unsat.

So, how does a couple -- that's really not a couple, by the way; we were both considering breaking up before there was news of the impending baby -- craft an agreement which is fair to all concerned: the child, the mother, and the father. Mom's grandmother says I should either marry or settle for occasional weekends. What sort of bullshit is that?

Okay, so a little more...

I started blogging 'cause I had this on mind. Of course, I haven't written about this soon-to-be-huge-in-my-life situation... I've only told a few people: my priest, my attorney, an old friend from college, and an old friend from grad school. The mother-to-be has told everybody she knows.

We're still in the first trimester, so we have a long way to go.

Here's the mother's blog... it'll give you her point of view, anyway.

I'm starting to get used to the news, although it's still tough. I can't walk away. The only fair and decent thing to do is to share responsibilities; we're working on a plan which would share joint custody, by week, equally (26 weeks per year).

I'd be interested to hear how other people might have done things; what the hell works? What doesn't?

Dad, again...

I've decided there are certain things I want to blog about that I can't blog about in my other blogs. I have a professional blog. I have a personal blog. This will be my private blog, published with some anonymity.

Here's the scoop: I'm 42, degreed, professional, divorced, and have two wonderful kids. And I recently got a woman pregnant and she wants to keep the baby.

Doesn't that just throw a wrench into my life's plans?

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